What happens with a lack of sleep....

Oh, and sleep.
Sleep is something that happens to other people.
Usually people you don't like a whole lot.
Particularly if it's on a regular basis.
I mean, what is there that you can possibly have in common with somebody who, every night for eight hours, lies down on a soft surface, closes his eyes, does nothing outside of his own head, forgets about the worries of the day, and RELAXES?

In case you're wondering, that thing where you lie down on the office floor, snuggle up to an outdated UNIX manual, make sure you're not contacting more than one major electrical wire, and achieve unconsciousness for a half hour at a time...that's not sleep.

More ways to know if you're not sleeping when you think you are:

• If you can remember most things that happened, and things did happen, that isn't sleep. That's consciousness. It's important to know the difference.

• If it occurs for less than 15 minutes, it isn't sleep. It is a catnap, and it will only make you more tired.

• If it occurs while you are fully clothed, including shoes, it isn't sleep. It's probably a seizure. Or else complete physical collapse.

• If it occurs with outside intervention, like when your office mates (or friends, for those who've got any) hit you on the head with a blunt object, it isn't sleep. It's unconsciousness. This is another difference that it is very important to know.

• If it occurs under the influence of general anaesthetic, it isn't sleep. That's unconscousness again. See what I meant about it being important to understand this?

• If it occurs in the reflected light of screen savers, with the occasional hum of backing up computers, on a lumpy bed of computer-related hardware or books, or on ugly grey carpeting inches from a surge protector, it isn't sleep. It is something you will get in trouble for if you get caught, but, hey, no one in authority is ever in the office when you do it, right?

• If your last words are: "Musn't sleep. Must install the new upgrade...must finish the weekly report...must figure out what's wrong with Fiberzone 4...must debug half a million lines of code...must do a restore on the entire disk because of those idiots..." it isn't sleep. It is a psychological defense mechanism, and boy will you be sorry when it shuts down.

• If you tremble and sweat while you're doing it, and you wake up with a headache of unbelievable intensity, and you have no major medical problems, it isn't sleep. It is the body's response to caffeine overdose/detox, and you have a throughput problem.

• If, as your eyes close, you think to yourself: "Thank god, I'm dying," it isn't sleep. It is a subtle hint from your subconscious. Pay no attention; what does IT know about your quality of life?

• And, if you read this list in puzzlement, wondering what is left when all of this is ruled out, seek professional help. And I don't mean for Fiberzone 4.

• This year, some of this country's finest athletes will go to Atlanta, in pursuit of excellence.
• Some of this country's finest middle management will go to Florida, in pursuit of relaxation.
• Some of this country's finest executives will go to Fiji, in pursuit of "an escape from it all."
• Some of this country's finest political candidates will go to Bikini, in pursuit of lithe bodies in the swimgear of the same name.
• And some of this country's finest clergymen will go to Jemez Springs, New Mexico, in pursuit of religious rehabilitation.

And all the while...
Some of this country's finest geeks, nerds, and their support staff will sink to the floor, ground, table or other support material, in pursuit of sleep.

Is this a great country or what?