Top 20 things you need to know to be successful at life in no particular order.

Be at least as kind and polite to yourself as you are to others. This means you have to pay more attention to your own internal dialogue. No cussing or calling yourself stupid. This subject deserves a whole book.

Pay attention.

Be careful. And care-full.

Learn to tell the difference between what you want and what you need.

Your emotions are valid, and you should never try to deny them. And you can't supress them either. Anytime someone says to you: "You shouldn't feel...", they're wrong.

In regards to the above, however, that doesn't mean that you should necessarily act out based on your emotions. You need to be able to stop and think instead of just reacting all the time. That's the difference between us and animals. It is one thing to be angry, it is another to lose your temper.

Take charge of your life, for now and for ever. Read "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" by Steven Covey or something similar. Yes, yes, I know: it's the same stuff everyone already knows. But many people (including myself) need to be reminded of it, and make it a conscious part of their lives.

Try to remain child-like without being childish. That means trying to retain a sense of wonder... to see the world with fresh eyes.

Second chances are rare. Try to make the most of the chances you do have.

Trying to break a bad habit (like smoking), or start a good one (like daily exercise) is hard. That's why they're called habits. It takes time, and lots of effort to change. You can't just change your behavior in one day. You have to try today, tomorrow, next week and next year. You'll still fail a lot. Over time it will get easier, but not quickly. But that's OK, that's the way it's supposed to be.

... and on a related note: You can't change other people. Even if you could, they'd probably resent it afterwards.

Long term happiness and peace of mind is not something that just happens to you. It's not something your environment or other people can provide. You must make conscious decision to pursue these goals, with vigor and determination.

True love (and thereby a long-term relationship) is founded upon respect. Attraction and lust are not bad things (contrary to what some moralists might say), but that's not nearly enough.

It is not that the best things in life are free, it is just that the best things in life can't be paid for with money. There is always a price however...

Don't confuse aggressiveness with strength; don't confuse passivity with weakness.

Don't borrow trouble. More than enough will come your way, without you having to dig up more.

Pride will cause you a lot of grief. I'm not saying it is a sin or anything, this is just a warning.

Learn Yoga. Or Tai-Chi. Or heck, even line-dancing. Anything which will make you more aware of your own body, and what you can do.

Cut the unnatural sugar out of your diet. Watch that cholesterol and saturated fat as well. Check out the Sugarbusters book. Oh yeah, and take it easy on the salt. You get more than enough already.

One of the keys to maturity is to match your ambition to your energy level. (a.k.a "Don't bite off more than you can chew.")

The answer to your problem is usually right in front of you, but you probably lack the perspective to see it.

Fast, cheap, good. Pick two. This applies to engineering and many other fields.

Giving orders is not the same thing as leadership.

From Paul Graham: "If you think something's supposed to hurt, you're less likely to notice if you're doing it wrong."

Another PG one: "Constraints give your life shape." This applies to art as well.

Mistakes become failures when you refuse to correct them. Ignorance becomes stupidity in a similar fashion. (unknown source)

FIXME: something about weaseling out of morality...

I expect that many people will know many of these items. This is a list I have collected for myself, as these values became relavant to my own life. If there is an order to the list, it is the order in which I fully understood and was able to articulate them... except for the first one. I didn't figure that out first, but I think it is one of the most important.

James C. Graves, Jr. / (ansible@xnet.com)